Transcript
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By this point, you've been successful. It may have been in your work or business.
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It may have been in a relationship or raising kids or participating in a charity
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or a local organization or maybe running that organization.
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If you look, you'll find success in your life.
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And at the same time, a common theme I hear from midlife women,
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clients, and friends is that they want to leave a mark. I want to leave a mark. right?
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They want that business success or charitable position to mean something.
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They want people to remember them and know them and recognize them and it matter.
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And they're getting stressed because they're torn about whether they want to
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go through all the stress required to get to that point.
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So should they just give up? Is it too late?
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Does success have to be stressful and hard? Let's talk about it.
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Welcome to Mind Your Midlife, your go-to resource for confidence and success, one thought at a time.
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Unlike most advice out there, we believe that simply telling you to believe
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in yourself or change your habits isn't enough to wake up excited about life
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or feel truly confident in your body.
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Each week, you'll gain actionable strategies and, oh my goodness,
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us powerful insights to stop feeling stuck and start loving your midlife.
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This is the Mind Your Midlife Podcast.
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A number of years ago, I'm not sure exactly how many, but we're just going to
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go with a number of years ago.
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I was working with a mindset coach named Karen, and she changed my life.
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And I say that without any shred of exaggeration.
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I met her through a friend, and I was just absolutely fascinated by what she
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told me about our thoughts and emotions affecting our success.
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I had never thought about it that way before, believe it or not,
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because now I talk about it all the time.
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I thought that success came pretty much entirely from gaining skills and doing the hard work.
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I thought I had to work as often as I could, and the more I could do that,
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the more success I would have.
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At the time, I was teaching high
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school, which in and of itself involves a lot of work and a lot of time.
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Kudos to the teachers out there. And I was also starting a direct selling business alongside that.
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And the decision to start that business is what brought this wake-up call to me.
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Because before that, and I don't know about you, you may feel the same,
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I always had a job that I knew my skills would allow me to do well.
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And sometimes it was in the corporate world, Sometimes it was teaching.
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I always had a boss to listen to. I had a list of things I needed to do.
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Now, with this business of my own, I had no boss.
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I had no idea whether I'd be good at it.
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And I had no formal to-do list where it would say, do X, Y, and Z,
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and then you will achieve this amount of success.
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I had none of that. And if you're an entrepreneur, you had none of that when you started.
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I had to make goals and I had to decide what I wanted to achieve.
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And wow, wow, what a wake up call.
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Shout out, then, to every single listener who has ever created something new on your own.
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A business, a book, a movie, a show, an organization, a team, anything.
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Starting on your own from scratch and deciding what you want is not something
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we typically learn how to do.
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So, let me pull back to the topic here.
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My coach, I think, I'm putting words into her mouth, but I think,
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was sometimes amused at me back then because she would encourage me to make
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a big goal, an exciting goal, not a smart goal. I'm not a huge fan of smart goals.
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In the right situation, they're fine. But for this, I needed something that
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would really change my life that I could get excited about.
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And my first reaction would be to say, well, that's too much.
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That's too hard. I'll have to work 10 times more.
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I'll be stressed all the time. I can't make that goal.
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I don't want to do that. So the game changer, she said, well,
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what if it could be easy to do that?
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And the first time she said that to me, I'm guessing I probably laughed or at least chuckled.
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Yeah, right. What if it could be easy? I mean, obviously, it's not going to be easy. Come on.
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Just as I told you, success in my view, what I had learned, what I had seen,
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what I had interpreted about what I had seen is really how we should say it,
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came from hard work, extra work, arrive early, stay late.
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And for a business that was working around my job, I should be working on it
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during all periods of downtime, right?
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Anytime that I wasn't with my family or working my main job,
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I should be working on that.
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Anything less, it was not going to be enough. It was not going to give me the success I wanted.
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I did a lot of talking to myself about that.
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Did you catch the shoulds in there? On the surface, a strong work ethic is absolutely a good thing.
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I will never tell you not to focus, apply yourself, do the work, do those things.
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But what's going along with that work on the inside?
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As a society we have
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some really ingrained beliefs about success stress and hard work they go together
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we believe you can't have success without the hard work and hard work is hard
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because of the stress involved.
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You get the picture. Now, I'm not saying that you're going to have success without doing any work.
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I don't think that's really ever the case, except if you really got lucky in
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some strange turn of events, you have to do the work.
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What I'm saying is, we believe as a society, typically, that the stress,
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the hard work together is what creates the success.
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So this sort of definition comes from, I would say, two, maybe three possible places for us.
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So number one, your core beliefs.
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Whatever example you saw growing up or learned about in school or just see in
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society is giving you some core beliefs about how to create success.
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Maybe your dad or mom, I suppose, was very successful in their career,
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and they had to work long hours.
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And it wasn't the case when we were growing up that they would have been on
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Zoom calls at all hours or anything, because crazy to think about,
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isn't that none of that existed?
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But maybe they were at the office long hours, or you didn't go on a lot of vacations,
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they were always working.
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Maybe you remember times in school where you learned about successful people
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and your brain sort of took in, they had to give up a lot of other things.
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When I think about society's definition of this, two movies come to mind.
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And because this is sort of a societal thing, there's a million,
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there's a million books and movies, but two came to mind.
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And one, and again, midlife women, you'll remember this one, I think, nine to five.
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Do you remember this movie with
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Dolly Parton? My sister and I spent one summer in, I think, the mid 80s.
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We had it recorded on a VHS tape and we watched it like constantly.
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But anyway, in nine to five, the boss is rude, is really tough,
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is always at the office and is not having any fun at all and is asking a lot
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of the secretary and the other people.
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And it creates this feeling that in order to be the boss, we have to be rude.
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We have to not care about anything else. We have to be mean.
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And then you have another movie that I love, The Devil Wears Prada. Well, that one...
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Sort of a caricature of a boss, right? Because that's the meaning of the whole title.
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The boss is a workaholic. She has sacrificed two marriages to become this success.
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It's cool that she's a woman.
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We love that. But then we see, oh, my gosh, she's getting divorced from the second husband.
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She believes that everyone else needs to do that as well.
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She's telling Andy that she needs to give up everything else in her life.
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That's the way it is. She needs to trample on other people. That's the way you're successful.
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So that's an extreme example. But the thing is, when we see things like that, we are not surprised.
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That's the key. We're not surprised that that's what it took to be successful.
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We believe that successful people must do those things.
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Now, are there some real life successful people out there who do trample on
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other people, who do work all the time, who do sacrifice other things in their life?
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Of course there are. But does it have to be that way?
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That's the question. Okay, so this definition of hard work and stress going
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along together to create success also comes from the second place,
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potentially, and that is our upper limit.
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And gosh, a long while back in the previous version of this podcast,
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I did an episode about the upper limit. So I'll put that in the show notes.
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And maybe I'll do another one. This is something that just permeates our lives.
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So it's kind of entwined with the first one, our core beliefs about what we think success takes.
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But we all have an upper limit.
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We have a lower limit as well, but we struggle more with the upper limit.
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And I want you to think about this as a thermostat setting.
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So if you think about how your heat works, I'm recording this in the winter,
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so let's talk about heat, you set your thermostat to a temperature.
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And that's the temperature that you want your house to be.
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So the heat kicks on, and it raises the level in the house up to that temperature.
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And then it turns off. And my thermostat is a little bit wonky.
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And so sometimes, and I can tell, I can tell when this happens immediately,
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sometimes it heats the house up too much. I don't know if this has happened to you.
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And right away, I'm annoyed because it feels too hot.
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But I also go look at the thermostat and it's higher than what I've set it for.
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What? No, that's not supposed to happen.
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So it has kicked itself off. And now we got to let the house cool down a little
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bit. I don't know why it overheated, but I'm not happy about it, right?
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That's what I mean by your thermostat setting. So there is in all of us,
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a level of success we believe we deserve.
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And this applies to everything in life. It applies to relationships.
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It applies to your health, your weight, your anything.
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There is a level at which you've hit your thermostat setting,
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and your body, your brain, is not comfortable going above that.
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Your self-belief doesn't compute that you could go above that.
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So if you are considering some sort of professional goal that is above your upper limit,
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your first instinct may be to talk yourself out of it or to justify to yourself
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why it's too hard. It's too many sacrifices.
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All of that stuff will be going in your head because you're not comfortable.
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And I say you, this applies to
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me as well, because you're not comfortable going above that upper limit.
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And then the third thing, I think we just need to honor for a second.
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That midlife is midlife.
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Sometimes there's some stuff.
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Let me give you a little laundry list of what we midlife women could be doing
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to ourselves on the inside.
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There's all kinds of little stories that creep around in our brains,
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in our subconscious brains, but we pause and notice it's these thoughts running around in our heads,
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or maybe it's kind of the same interpretation of a situation all the time.
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We might be telling ourselves, I should be further along by now.
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I can't rest. That's lazy. I can't rest.
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I'm not actually committed to this goal if I do.
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A day off? Are you kidding? I don't have time for a day off.
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I don't have enough time to even get there. How could I take a day off?
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Why does she have such an easy time doing whatever it is I'm trying to do?
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I don't know if I'm up for the struggle it would take to get there.
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I don't know if I have enough time. Maybe it's too late. It's just not worth it.
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So all that junk is in our heads, potentially, maybe.
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So what do you think is going to happen in your work life, your day-to-day tasks
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and projects and creative ideas,
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when you're telling yourself all the time these messages about it being too
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hard and too much sacrifice, or you're too old or whatever.
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Your brain is trying to protect you by holding you back. Good job, brain.
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But maybe that's not what we really want to do. So let's take an example of a promotion.
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Let's say that you're in your mid 40s, and you want a promotion to director
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in your job making this up, but hopefully it will speak to you in a similar way.
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So what do some of the concerns look like that's coming from these core beliefs
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and upper limit and just midlife?
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Your core beliefs might be telling you that you can't go for this director position.
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You have to focus on your family right now.
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There's too much going on. This would take you away from that.
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Maybe it's you can't have both.
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You can't have a happy family and this director position, this successful career.
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You'd have to work all the time. Maybe you believe somewhere deep in there that
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you're too old for this promotion.
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Who would choose me at this age? They want the 30-somethings or the 20-somethings
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that have a long career ahead of them.
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Now, let me tell you what, I almost fell victim to this.
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I left teaching in my mid-40s, I think it was,
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and I was doing a couple different things for a little bit of time,
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but I decided I wanted to go into corporate training and I wanted to go back
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into the airline industry that I'd been in previously.
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And I think I was 48 when I was hired to do that completely new job.
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Now, same skills that I needed from other jobs I had done, so it wasn't as if
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I didn't know anything, but I didn't let it be an issue.
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And I had to talk to myself a lot about that, believe me. It wasn't super simple,
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but I didn't let it be an issue.
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Now, maybe it's upper limits. you're going for this director position,
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or you want it, you're thinking about it, maybe fear is just hitting you hard
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about, ooh, I want that position, but you just get slammed with this fear.
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Or maybe it's uncertainty. If you try to envision yourself in that role,
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you just have this, ah, oh.
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Maybe you look at others that have a similar role, kind of similar level and you judge them.
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And I'm not saying you mean to judge them because I don't think most of us mean to judge anyone.
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But maybe you look at them and you think, oh, well, I don't want to be like
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her. I don't want to be like him.
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They really have their priorities out of whack. What we judge, we're not going to get.
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And then my third thing, midlife, maybe you're just freaking tired.
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And maybe it's just hard to think about going for something in terms of more success.
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And that comes from maybe being in this stress state too often with the sympathetic
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nervous system running things.
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So keep in mind, this is a general example, right?
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That job you were wishing for or that project or business you wanted to start
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might actually be hard, and it might be stressful, and maybe now might not actually be the time.
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So I just want to keep in mind that we're not all, I don't know,
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skipping through tulips licking lollipops all the time. There might be hard things.
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But in the majority of cases we're
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making the concerns up that
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are running around in our heads we don't really know them to be true byron katie
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talks about this and this feels like an episode as well ask yourself when you
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notice a thought some of these things i'm describing ask yourself is that true
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is that really true could i prove it's true because a lot of times the answer is no.
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The answer is I kind of projected. I'm just worried. Maybe it could be.
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Well, we're not doing ourselves any good with those.
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So I'm going to suggest to all of us that we try to what if more in a positive way.
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Here's what I want you to remember about this episode. I want you to what if
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regarding success. You can use this in anything. What if I can?
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What if it's exactly right for me? What if I'm who they're looking for?
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What if it's easier than I think?
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What if I can always figure it out? What if I'll be able to figure it out?
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What if I get amazing ideas when I'm calm and rested?
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What if taking a minute to relax helps me do a better job? This is what I mean by what if.
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What if yourself a little bit? Do any of those feel different to you?
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So, Earl Nightingale said that the strangest secret is that we become what we think about. And...
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There's many levels to this. The thoughts, of course, that's what we just talked about.
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It's also the emotions they create. So remember in episode 11,
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we talked about the drawbacks to allowing our bodies to stay in a chronic stress state.
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There's a book called Everything I Wish I Could Tell You About Midlife.
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I'll put it on my read page on CherylPFisher.com that says that chronic stress
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is different than acute stress.
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Acute stress is like in the moment you get stressed to get away from a danger.
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Chronic stress is all the time because it keeps us locked into this heightened
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state of fight or flight or freeze or fawn.
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We're irritable. We're frustrated. We're worrying. Our hormone levels are going
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crazy. We're tired because of that.
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We aren't able to concentrate. We don't finish what we're doing.
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We can't pay attention. There's always danger, risk, stress.
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We may end up with high blood pressure.
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Our immune system is a mess. I mean, I could go on. Go listen to episode 11.
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It's going to affect our perimenopause symptoms too.
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I would argue that a very large percentage of either enjoying your path to success
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and believing that it can be easy.
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Finding the great ideas, having the energy to undertake them,
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or struggling, worrying, working yourself to exhaustion, believing it has to
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be hard is what you're thinking about. That's the difference.
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Because yeah, it can be easy. You can figure it out.
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You are on the right path. And when I say that, it can be easy.
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You can figure it out. You are on the right path.
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Is there a voice in your head going, no, I'm not.
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How does she know? What does she know? She's just saying that.
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Is that in your head right now? That's okay if it is. Recognize it.
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Thank it for keeping you safe. And then tell that voice it doesn't have any
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proof. Is there a way to prove that I'm right or that voice is right? No.
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You get to choose what you want to believe.
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And I think it would be cool if we could choose to believe that we're going
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to get the creative ideas. And we do have time to rest.
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And a balance is good. And we can figure it out. And we're on the right path.
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And success doesn't have to be hard and stressful.
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One of the most powerful variables is whether you believe you can achieve what
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you want and, okay, two, and whether you believe you deserve it.
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I say you can and you do.
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But what do you say about you? There was a Forbes article in November of 2023
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that talked about exactly this and said that beliefs are the invisible architects of success.
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You can work all the hours and you can talk a good game and you can do the tasks,
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but if you don't believe you deserve success, then you will sabotage yourself.
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And maybe it's just as simple as you just won't like what you think you have to do.
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So this is not an overnight change.
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And some days are stressful. And I'm not saying that the path to success for
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you is going to be without any bumps.
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I don't know if you've ever seen the graphic where it shows what we think growing
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a business is like, and it shows this kind of straight line curving up or going
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up, and then what it's really like.
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And it shows that crazy swirly line up, down, backwards, forwards,
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all over the place. Yeah, that's true. It's like that.
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And it can feel like, yeah, I can figure this out.
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I've got this and I get to rest and I get to have balance and it maybe even can be fun.
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It's not an overnight change. I don't expect you to be able to saunter because
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of course you would saunter into your office tomorrow fully believing that success
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is now easy and you should be the VP and you have it in the bag. You just have to start.
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Recognize what you're believing now. Ask yourself if that's what you want to believe.
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Notice how you feel. And this is where life coaching is powerful.
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So you can do two things. Grab the free StoryCycle resource that will help you
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start identifying these thoughts
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and emotions for yourself. That's CherylPFisher.com slash StoryCycle.
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And then let's get on a free call and see whether coaching can help you.
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CherylPFisher.com slash coaching. Success can feel easy. It does not have to
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mean an awful lifestyle of stress constantly, and you deserve it.
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Thank you so much for listening to Mind Your Midlife. If you are listening on
00:23:07.778 --> 00:23:10.818
your phone right now, grab a screenshot right now.
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Share it on your social media. Tell your friends what you enjoyed about this
00:23:15.658 --> 00:23:17.558
episode because maybe they will too.
00:23:18.558 --> 00:23:22.098
Okay, listeners, thank you for some of these amazing reviews lately.
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So Lyrical70 said, your episode on how much we say I'm sorry really made me
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think, and I'm going to try to take it out of my vocabulary unless I really screw up. Love that.
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Midlife Mama number one says, in these podcasts, Cheryl offers relevant topics
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and impactful information with practical tips.
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Her passion shines through, and I highly recommend these podcast.
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I am humbled and grateful listeners. Thank you so much. And if you're listening
00:23:47.838 --> 00:23:53.698
on Apple podcasts, go leave a review and make sure you've hit the follow button
00:23:53.698 --> 00:23:59.018
because the next episode is going to dive into the money beliefs.
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You heard me mention it real quick today that we all have and how to recognize them.
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You might be surprised. And oh my goodness, let's keep creating confidence and success.
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Music.
